I Saved a Life, and I Feel Terrible

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I listen to my husband on the phone, saying I did a good job. It seems like a million years ago that the kids were having a fun time at the lake splashing in the shallows. In a moment everything changed. He says I did the right thing. I was watchful and alert and it saved my daughter from drowning. So why do I feel absolutely terrible?

It happened so fast.

The moment was silent. From my view point my daughter was holding her little friend by the waist and ducking her head under the water. I could see the green mossy rocks all around her. Not wanting to be very far away when the kids lay in water, I was less than four big strides away. She went under once. The kids on either side of her were playing, laughing. She went under the second time, I broke my conversation with the other parents. Still, I was not alarmed, I just could not figure out what my girl was up to.

Kids were standing to either side of her, not more than two feet away, splashing in the waist deep coolness. Her head broke the surface, the child she was holding was staying above water. Was she just getting her head wet to cool down? I had already called out to them that we were leaving in a few minutes. You know how kids are, they need to get as wet as possible right before we leave, so my car can smell like a swamp for a week.

We did not plan on swimming. In all honesty, I caved. I had said,”No”, but the day was so hot. I had stayed much longer than we intended. In the company of old friends, we had such a great time catching up on each others lives. I was buoyantly happy and feeling generous. I broke my cardinal rule; no water without life vests. I am always so adamant. We never go swimming at the lake because of the turbidity of the water. The silt makes it impossible to see your own feet, let alone a child swept under the murk. This spot in particular seemed so safe. I could see the mossy rocks. Just waist deep. I had made all of these calculations instantly as they begged to take a quick dip to cool off.

I knew something was wrong the third time she struggled to clear the waters surface. Her eyes were wild, as much white showing as her icy blues. I could see she could not breach the water’s surface to take a breath, I was already on my feet. Not more than four steps away and she was drowning, silently before my very eyes.

All I had to do was get behind her and give both kids a shove toward the shore. Splashing past the other children and stepping around her, I discovered the source of her trouble as I stepped down into nothing.

There was no ground below my feet.

Ages before we had gotten there, maybe for years, the current had been working on this spot; wearing away the footing stone by stone. As soon as there was a gap big enough, the current created a swirling eddy and it continued to bite chunks out of the artificial beach, leaving a gap in the shoreline. It dropped off sharply, straight into the depths of the lake.

I experienced a split-second of panic. How would I save these two children as well as myself? I sunk down deeper and spread out my donut Converse clad feet until I caught the lip of the gap. With a shove the kids were back on solid ground, the top of my hair not even wet, but my heart was soaked in foreboding. I saved the kids. But I failed so badly.

These are times that you cannot trust your voice.

My voice was telling me of all the terrible factors that led to a near disaster. Every one of the safeguards had been hacked down by my own hands. I was clearly the one to blame. It was my decision to give in, I was the one that put my kids at risk. Certainly, I should have known the dangers and should have kept them safe. In life there is no guarantee of safety.

Life guards are the most likely to see a person drown

We work with hurting and broken people in everyday life. If you are in outreach, ministry, recovery or are a compassionate listener then you are at the waters edge more often than the rest of the world. [Tweet “The truth is that life at the waters edge is not safe. People drown. But people get saved as well”].

I remember a young man we invited into our house. He was so troubled, but he was also overwhelmed by the love at our house. We gave him a cot for a few days. He ended up deciding treatment was the only way he was going to survive living. We were so glad to help him. He was dying before our very eyes and we were just waiting for him to throw up a hand. The kids loved him. They still put peanut butter on their pancakes because of him.

We prayed for him every night, joyful that he was getting the help he needed.

Four days into his treatment we got a call. Our friend checked himself out. He wasn’t ready for help. He chose to go back to thrashing in the water while the current of dependency continued to cut more ground out from under him. We felt sick. As friends, we did all that we could do. Even though we removed every obstacle for him to get the help he needed, it was not enough.

Life is not safe. Living is hard. We need others to give us clarity.

My Mother talked to me the day after the incident at the lake. I cried, she listened. As I berated myself, she told me that I did the exact right thing. She said I saved a kids life, even if I felt like everything I had done was so wrong. Because I could not see the good, I had to choose to hang onto her words. I had to believe her words, even while I wept the tears that needed to be released.

This is why God left us His word

If we are a life guard in this world, we feel lost at times, but we are never alone. The word is our shield and comfort. God is a strong tower, where we are welcomed as we seek refuge. The strong do not need refuge, it is for the times we are weak. God knew we were going to need comfort, we were going to be weak, we were going to be broken down. There are times we are going to need to hear someone else tell the truth about us.

I have said these things to you, that in me you will have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, But take heart; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

I hope that in times of trouble you will be wise to borrow from a voice wiser than your own. Listen to the one that tells you to keep living at the waters edge no matter what the cost.