You Can’t Have It All…but you can have the best life for you.

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As a young girl I was taught by women that fought hard for a place in the workforce. The euphoria of the win was fresh in the crosshairs of their success and they wanted us girls to know that we could live out big dreams. We could be everything we every dreamed of. It was possible. They were before us, doing it. The smiles they wore promised nothing could stop us.

Motherhood was the elephant in the room, we knew that what was not being said was that it was the one thing threatening to complicate life and keep us from achieving our greatness. Let someone else do the Mothering and you chase your goals. That was the mind set I heard all around me. Mothering was as close to a lowly state of oppression there could be without outrightly criminalizing it. Even in college, I have read no less than eight pieces by Gloria Steinem, the champion of feminism. I was in school for graphic design, not women studies, but the message was no less clear. Make your own way and don’t let children get in between you and your goals. Don’t even have children if you can avoid it is a growing theme today.

But this tug in my heart kept telling me I knew being a Mother was going to be a part of my life. No one was addressing the reality of working and chasing your drams even as you became a Mother. I talked it over with my female classmates and almost none of them had plans that included parenthood. I could not help but think that if Mothering is going to happen, in some cases even in spite of women’s best laid plans, why not make a plan that included being a Mother from the beginning.

A more clear reality is, you can never truly have it all. Having it all is not the same as having the best. We have to choose the very best parts of life.

Everyone is making choices and cuts to stay in whatever industry they are in. Does Mothering have to end up on the cutting room floor if we are making a film about success? I don’t think that it has to. You can Mother and be a success in your field, if you make a plan in advance. I wish there were more teachers that told women up front, you might not be able to have everything they are promising. I want you to choose to have the “best life” for you.

What does the “best life” look like for you. That is the thing to determine. My hope for my daughters and for the young women I know, that they can see Mothering as a calling and vocation, just as worthy of planning as being a designer or a surgeon. Even more I encourage them to hone their hopes and dreams into skills that they can use to add to their household while being a Mother. Through computers and online retail, there are so many more opportunities to accomplish your professional goals while at home raising your children.

I know the sentiment of dreaming about Motherhood is unpopular and seems backwards, but I have counseled countless couples that had a five year plan. Debt reduction and extended education were on their paper but the baby that came a year after the Honey Moon was not. Some had heavy goals in business and the medical field with large student loan debt to match it. My one girlfriend friend hated handing over her newborn baby every morning to  daycare provider but, the school loans were lingering that were not going to go away. They simply could not be paid if she stayed home.

I think children deserve the first 5 years of their lives to be spent with the person that most values their precious life and wants to pour every ounce of love into them as possible. That is our role as parents. Our dreams come at a cost; high education debt, long hours, travel, conflicts with children’s school and summer breaks, child care costs. I am not saying that women should not work in demanding fields, what I am advocating is that our daughters deserve a heads-up, a warning that they can be whatever they want but they could choose to do it in a way that allows them to also be the Mother their children need too.

I blog about chasing your dreams while chasing your kids.

If you believed you could have it all, and then had children and realized that raising them is what you really wanted, you are not alone. Many of my girlfriends are trying to reconcile all that they were taught in school with the life they are now living. They are Mothering and thriving. There are ways to do both.

I was blessed that I had the foresight to know that I wanted to be a mother as my number one job. I wanted a big family all of my life. I knew I wanted to be able to stay at home with my kids. I was married by the time I was eighteen so if I wanted to go to college, it was my responsibility. I worked for a year and saved. When I went to school for graphic design at the community college, I paid tuition up front and got my education for a fraction of the cost. I have been able to work from home and be a partner to my husband in our restaurant business saving us design fees, printing and production costs. We’ve always kept our debt small and lived on what everyone would say is far too little. We do not have it all. But for us, we had our very best life.

[Tweet “Your best life is created with intention, not the one you’re forced into because of circumstance”]

You do not have to give up your goals and desires. If you are Mothering now and you are feeling the desire to do more, I understand. There is a part of your brain that wants a job that you can finish. For me writing is a goal that has a set beginning and end. I can assess what I have done in the morning, make changes and put it away. I will have to wait eighteen years to know how well I did as a Mother. As your children become more independent there is a hunger to stretch our brains and be challenged in new ways.

What do you love to do? What things excite you, or make you cry out of happiness? These are great places to explore.

I have always loved to write. I joined NaNoWritMo two years ago and wrote a novel. It was just waiting in there. I just finally made time to let my gifts be used. Do you have a undervalued talent like drawing, singing, baking, design, photography or a degree in something you love that is gathering dust. The question is how can you incorporate practicing these a part of you into your everyday life? You might just need a push like I did. I was writing and journaling every day, but writing that novel made it seem like something more than just a silly habit.

I realized I am a writer. What is hiding out inside of you?

What does this look like in your life?

1. Take a mental assessment of skills and pick the one you want to sharpen.

Start asking yourself what would you like to do more of. What dreams have you put on the shelf? Mothering is all consuming for a time but there is so much more to you as a woman. I would love to see a swell of  loving Mothers taking time to do the things that they love for a few hours every week. Exploring new talents and continuously growing. Isn’t that what we hope for our children?

2. Set a time that you want to work on your skill and stick to it.

I wanted to write, more, often and well, so even though I hate mornings and have never gotten up early in my life. Now I get up at 5:30 almost every morning so I can chase my writing goals before the kids get up. I set a hard cut off time for 10am. The older kids help with breakfast and I get at least 3 hours of writing time every week day. If i was more disciplined or have a big project there are 20 hours to be had without the kids losing any of my time.

3. Invest in a way to keep you on track

What if you scheduled one evening to go to the library and take a class online. Join a challenge group and doodle every day for a month. Take a photography class and start to play with pictures. Journal every day and see what comes up out to your heart. SkillShare and Craftsy are great places to take a free classes to get started. Tell someone what you are working on. Better yet encourage a friend to join you and check in with each other regularly.

You are an amazing beautiful Mother with so many giftings inside of you. My greatest desire is not to see you have it all, but to help you have the very best.

I am trying to work on my letter art in my night time idle minutes. What is one skill you would like to commit to try or learn more about?